I started this blog originally to discuss beauty brands and products I have tried and tested because people close to me know it is definitely a passion of mine however I was struggling for inspiration.
Inspiration can’t be forced, you need to allow it and today I woke up in a not so great mindset but this afternoon I finally felt inspired to write…not about beauty but about the not so beautiful days we face, the days that really challenge us, the days that make us stronger!
As someone who has suffered from depression and anxiety I have spent the last 6 – 7 years really diving into what triggers me. To look back through your life and pin point exact moments in time can be painful, there are some moments my mind completely blocked out entirely but held onto as a resistance for me, like a shield.
Let me be clear, my life wasn’t doom and gloom. My parents loved me the way they knew how to love and I understand that more today than ever before, everything they did was for their kids and out of love but I was raised to believe in black and white, no grey area and no questions. I was raised to hide my emotions. I was raised in a home that didn’t communicate with eachother. I was raised in a home with no affection. I was raised to believe that my opinion didn’t hold any value…not intentionally by any means but I had no self worth, no belief in myself and this extended into every other part of my life. I didn’t realise then but I had depression from childhood. I had constant thoughts of disappearing. I ate comfort food because I felt so isolated then I stopped eating all together and I was only 13 years old. This battle with my body and appearance has stuck with me right till today.
“To love yourself right now , just as you are, is to give yourself heaven. Don’t wait until you die. If you wait, you die now. If you love, you live now.”
Alan Cohen
It’s funny because last night I did this personality test online through 16 Personalities and when I read my results I was in shock because for the first time I felt really understood. My result showed that I am an Assertive Mediator (INFP-A). It described me as being an empath, always taking on other peoples feelings and wanting to help others ahead of myself. In relationships I find damaged people that I can try to help heal but disregard the toll it takes on myself. Because I live life through my intuition and feelings there are many times when I feel the need to withdraw and recharge. I find therapy in music and nature. For me I see this as time to heal where others can take it personally. I am a big believer in living an honest life. I can be quiet at times but I can also be extremely social however there are times I feel very alone and isolated.
Reading my personality profile really resonated with me but it also made me really sad. I love helping people heal, when I care about someone their happiness means the world to me but have I put other peoples happiness ahead of my own? Have I missed opportunities in my life because I didn’t feel like I was worthy? This was a huge part of my negative mindset today.
As I reflect on my life I realise that yes, there are times when I did take on people’s feelings and let them take priority over my own which triggered my mental state, these people were toxic for me. They preyed on my lack of self worth and my thoughts that my own feelings didn’t matter, I thought if I can just make them feel ok then I will feel better but that’s just not the truth. The only way to feel better is to feel better in yourself and have self love because without that nobody else will love you…you attract what you reflect.
For anyone out there having a bad day just know it’s ok to not be ok. Use it as a time to work out what’s triggering you, what’s making you feel the way you feel. Meditate, exercise, dance, write…whatever you need to do to work through it. The quicker you bring these triggers to the surface the quicker you can purge them. You are enough so believe in yourself and believe that tomorrow is a new day and a chance to start over with a positive mindset. Be ready to be ready and enjoy the journey…life is not meant to be easy so never be down on yourself for having a bad day but also never ignore it. The only way to truly heal is to acknowledge and release with love and light.
Diana Daze 